2008

I'm so happy its over.
It's been a really long year.



Overall, my friends have been fantastic even if I've done nothing but complain about the ones I lost and so on.



For 2009- No Stefan. It's gonna be great




Ringing it in tonight with bub :)
it's a good start to 2009 and i wouldn't miss it for the world

Better

Well, the new year is approaching...
And I'm the happiest I've been in a long time.

The Time I Gave Charleston My All

So within at least a week I've been able to turn the world upside down. I thought I was pretty good at keeping my cool with everything but I let my emotions get the best of me and whats worse is I could see the mess I was making and yet I did nothing to stop it. I don't think I've ever actually made a mistake like this before, but I don't even want to call it a mistake. I think thats whats worst.

It's really got me thinking today. I was so confident in what I wanted and at the first sign of a loss I gave up and lost myself. I've never got the shakes and nerves like that. Never once thought I could be so scared like that. Oh the heart is a fragile thing. I lied something awful. I can't take it back but at the same time I don't want to. I was selfish and I don't think I should apologize for going after what I want.

I should just apologize for the fact that I was reckless and jealous and pessimistic and vulnerable and just plain neglectful. I took steps blindly into something- well I don't really know what it was but it was powerful enough to knock me off my chair and reasses myself. Hey reality check. One thing I don't think I'll ever be able to understand is why was he able to make me forget, even for a moment.

Tomorrow my sister gets her make over and I'm really excited for her. She deserves to feel good about herself. I just hope now that she's ready to actually go out there and do things she'll be a little smarter because of all the mistakes I've made. She'll be getting all dolled up as I try to make sure I can make a good impression. I have to make sure my nerves don't get the best of me tomorrow at this Christmas thing with the fire department. No pressure Courtney Lynn, no pressure! BAHHHHH

I get to see my sister grow up tomorrow, my mom be paranoid tomorrow, see my best friends tomorrow, and have a fun night :) mmmmmmmmmmmmm Christmas please be kind.

Fearless

Late night drives to Princeton, laying on cartops to watch the stars, OD'ing on coffee... yeah. I could get use to this

Tell Me

I'm really happy with the way things have been turning out. School's getting a little harder being that the semester is soon ending but that's okay. Friends are fantastic. I got to see Lizzy Carly Meg and Coley :) I've missed them so much. It was cool to just hang out and talk about everything we've been up to since the last time we were all together and the funny thing about that is no matter how far apart we phsyically are, it hasn't stopped us from being closer than we've ever been.

On the subject of friends... Well certain best friends are interesting. Who'da thunk that person that fucked up my live ridiculously would actually turn into someone I call when I need advice or need to vent. And to add on to that- who'da thunk he'd call me to calm him down and put his mind at ease?! Pretty much no one but it kinda fills the space where ant use to be... WEIRD weird weird without that shit.

Works a little drama-filled but it keeps it interesting I suppose.

Concerning other matters.... I like driving around doing absolutely nothingggg with a cute boy.


Hey december :)

Save

So it's been a while since I've logged in and used this thing. I've been extremely busy between friends birthdays and school and other things... But I have to say I'm really happy with the way my life is progressing! Here's some updates :)

Kevin- You weren't replaced but I'm definitely glad you're back :) even if you're a d-bag :p
School's crackin down the end now which is really exciting. One more semester here and who knows where I'll be next time the leaves change. It's as exciting as it is nerve-racking but I'm all about doing things different now. That's a change I never thought I'd accept.

I'm happy with taking things as they come. I'm tired of worrying about things being some sort of official label or societal constrate to say hey, this is the way things are. "Go with the flow" is so much easier. Why should i worry about something that hasn't even happend yet- or even something that may not happen? Enjoy it while I've got it and be happy I had it- right?

Can't let yourself down this way- but can definitely enjoy it.




I'm in the library- i probably should do something productive

Don't Forget

I haven't written on here since my birthday! I had a fantastic birthday. Crazy times at Drew with some of the most amazing girls ever. I'm feelin the pressure of school right about now though. Registered classes for next semester... started transfer applications, etc. Really fun times. I've finally start to get things straight and then my brain goes crazy.

LIKE RIGHT NOW

I've got two missed calls and two texts left unanswered and that's not about to change. For someone who thinks he's the most honest person in the world, let me do some sharing. You're wasting your time by calling me tonight. Guess it feels pretty shitty to be the one who looks like a fool now DOESNT IT.

Besides that, thought I was gonna patch things up with a friend BUT when that promise of a phonecall fell through... I realized I'm not about to hold my breathe.

Lastely, to my former best friend... Never thought I'd have to give up on you.




BUT ON THE BRIGHTER SIDE
i love getting dressed up for school :)

It's My Birthday :)

FANTASTIC birthday weekend.... Headed to Philadelphia now


:)


20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 <3

Sticks, Stones and Techno

My birthday is next weekend and that means this week is gonna drag on forever. CANT WAITTTTT. A lot has been goin on, moving pretty fast. I'm excited for my birthday though. Drew with carly and everyone friday, new york with ron and lacey and whoever saturday night, and then philadelphia with mommy and sister sunday :) (the actual day of my birthday).

Last year my birthday pretty much sucked. Being dumped the week before wasn't exactly what I expected. Actually, now that I think of that... I'm about 30 seconds away from deleting someone's number in my phone book.. ccount it one, two DELETED. sparkyyy you're no longer in my phonebook.

My curiosity is leading me places I shouldn't go but I think I've got no other choice but to make that turn. I'm excited. You live once... I'm about to be twenty... I'm gonna handle this right :)




why am I listening to poppin champagne?


why dont you say so?
why don't you say so?

Driving

A lot has been changing, and I couldn't be happier. Lot's of school work, crazy hours at work, and the few and loyal <3 I'm content with that.

Since I constantly write about how I lose people from my life, this time is a bit different. Two of the most insanely least likely people to ever walk back into my life, are here. The two people that crushed my heart and spirit worse than anyone are back and I'm very okay with that. It's taken two years for one, and a few months for the other but when the light shines this brightly on a situation, you can't shut it out. He took virtually everything he could from me - she held my hand and put the knife in my back but I was the stubborn and selfish one.

If someone wants to be in your life, they're gonna show you. Two individuals, the two I held closest to my heart can't muster up the strength to give me some time. It's with this realization that made accepting others back into my life all the more easier because strangely enough, these two individuals shared similar slots with the others. That realization hit... just now, lol. I now get why it hurt so bad, and how it's so easy to let this go.

You can move along your own road, happy birthday and good riddance.
You can enjoy your strong four walls, fake ID's and fake people.
I'm done with you both





Birthday in 13, fun starts in 10 :) <33333
I sincerely love my friends

I'd Hate To Be You When People Find Out What This Song Is About

and we both go down together
we'd stay there forever
just try to get up

and i'm sorry
this wasn't easy
when i asked you
believe me and
never let go

but i let go

Direction

Today has been a headache! Between 4am phonecalls, phones no longer in "service", and little boy no more.. ha.. I'm just speechless. First off, false sincerity makes me sick. Lost calls really don't exist because they just never happened. Late bloomers are cocky bitches.

I'll keep you in the dark with everything I've got
I'll let your imagination run with that because
it won't nearly catch up with what I've done.



Lacey works with me at VS now :]
My friends are basically the fucking shit
anddddddddddddddd yup, if we don't talk
you really don't matter to me anymore.

"I spent the whole last year looking for direction
and we always end up right where we begun."

Uh-Huh

"If I would of known what I know now
Woulda left never had a chance
We were two weeks in it'll never last
If I would of known what you were thinkin'
Woulda ran for the hills and it woulda stayed okay
Till your over it till your over it

Uh huh
We're doing it
Way to well uh huh
We're doing it
We're getting and getting it done

I give up it won't last forever (There it is I laid it down)
And if we can't be friends what can we be?
(I'm giving up it's not working out)
Maybe some day we can live (Together forever)
And if we're not friends what can we be?
I'm giving up it's not working out"

City Lights

So I can't say I've actually looked at a picture before
and had it make me cry....


That is, until tonight.

The Press War

Well, I get to work for seven hours today, eight tomorrow and eight sunday. HOLLA! I'm doing really we ll with all of my classes my grades are bangin'. I do love my job I just hate that I'm losing out on being social.

It really sucks when you can't go to people you usually go to for help. Like today... today isn't even about me and it's hurting me. It's the dad's birthday. Nope, I don't even remember how old he'll be today I just know that it's been a year, two months and thirty days since I've last spoken to or seen him. My birthday is somewhat soon! I'm planning on going out of town for my birthday to get away which should be fantastic.

I'm kinda tired of whinning on this thing lol. I feel like I'm always writing about how much I want someone back in my life and that's boring and repetitive. If they wanted to be here they would. I'm moving mountains behind you while you're looking at the same skyline asking the same bottomless questions and I'm just tired of feeling sorry all the time. Move yourself.



You've got another thing comin'

Believe Me I'm Lying

So first, I must aknowledge today. It's been 7 long years since then and I can't go a day without saying I miss my hero. RIP 9.11.01

Alright... I had an awful day, lol. Such a deb today. This week just sort of sucked, really. First of all, I've lost all faith in having close male friends. Sara totally said it best- its rare. SO TRUE. Let's start with this one kid I was mad tight with over the summer... talked every night because I was always there to back him and say "hey, you're doing great I'm really proud of you".... yeah. one way street brah. I'll leave it up to you to interpret that kids true intentions-fuckbag.

Next we've got the best friend. The one of many years. "I'm going to make this right and if you don't believe me then idk." hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. The only way you've got an "in" on my life is by reading this- LAME- when there's so much more to my life then this blog and what I have to say here. You're suppose to hold my secrets, remember? I become a priority friend when you need me and dude I really can't believe I have to wait around for my best friend. My best fucking friend.

Lastly, to the biggest headache I've got right now. I know you're checking this to see what I've got to say and I won't dissapoint:

You're a joke. You're crazy. I did nothing to you but be your friend and listen to your crazy mind and try to help sort through your thoughts. I'd call you for the stupidest of things but that was the fun of it right? The second I let my guard you're there to take over and I can't believe I thought you'd want whats best for me - to grow up. Crazy. Then you blow everything out of the water, add fuel to the fire to make everything just plain ugly. I don't feel bad for you this time. You lost your composure and me.



On a good note, laceface and I went for icecream last night and we had a blast <3 I lovez her.

How You Love Me Now

So I loved my first day of school... hated today. Well, more like last night's headache boiled over to this morning. My classes are pretty legit though I'm excited to learn :p which is always interestinggggggg. Meg called me today! I was really happy to hear one of the girls since she's really the only one I've talked to since they all left.

I'm really dissappointed in two best friends of mine. One for saying he'd come around and another for well just being around too much? That's not the right way to put it but it's like i decided to do something huge and it's like an opening to fuck shit up. I'm at fault for something I just haven't figured out for what yet. On that note...


I'm really sorry

Risky Business

Went back to school today and learned so much more than what my professor had in the text book.....

BIG NEWS

I'm moving on with my life. OFFICIALLY. It really hit me today while sitting with everyone talking about all sorts of different things. What am I doing? I think I've tried to write this off about seven times but I'm putting my foot down this time. I talk myself out of situations and people like I'm saving myself for someone who's 400 miles away and probably didn't even think of me today. Four years and four hundred miles is a waste of my time. This summer I compltely wasted it away with excuse after excuse for someone who doesn't deserve a second of my time.

It's not like I've got options or anything conceited like that it's just I've finally realized- why spend my time thinking, worrying, missing someone who refuses to be around? I had my chance three years ago and I let it go. That's on my shoulders forever and I can live with that.

And another thing that really just has me furious.... I'm like some sort of pathetic play toy. I'm used and abused as if that sort of behavior is all we're in this for and I can't do that when it means so much more to me. I'm pressured. Extremely pressured to give myself up. I feel like I should be treated with respect and shown some sort of affection if I'm gonna be sitting here waiting. I can't be a part of that scene if the feelings aren't there. Call me old fashion or call me crazy but either way it's not for me.

I'm so tired of trying to seem important. I'm beyond tired trying to be a part of someone's life. If I'm going to give someone my time and affection it's gotta be because they want it and show me some sort of ... well something. I'm hoping this is easier than I think it will be in letting go, but being that I have no more fight left in me to keep this going... I really just think it's a matter of time.

I want to move on. I want to let go. I want to start over. I want to go through those awkward adorable moments that I typically avoid by talking myself out of. I want to start.

I'm sorry that I'm leaving. I don't think you'll miss me today.

You'll miss me someday but it won't be today.
Last summer was the most amazing summer, ever.
I just can't live my life waiting around for you anymore.
You're not the same person I gave my heart to four years ago,
but I guess that's a part of me I'll never get entirely back.

You and I both know you what this was. I'm sorry for everything it wasn't but now? It's all about me this time. Just because you're headed for great things doesn't mean they aren't in store for me too. I'm going to go after them.

"Don't forget how well I know you
I'll take take- I'll take you down".

Disconnect

I've totally forgotten this thing existed till about twenty minutes ago. I was so good at updating this too! The thing is, I haven't been doing anything since that last time I posted on here so there really isn't an excuse for me. I've been working a whole hell of a lot but to be honest I actually really like my job at Victoria's Secret. I don't mind going to work. Who'da thunk? Oh and I wonder who's caught on to the title of every blog I write is a song... lol.


School starts this weeeeeeeeeeeek. blah. I'm eager to get back into school. It'll keep my mind off everything. At this point everything is just losing fuel. I've kind of given up on people and things and thats just not like me. I guess my hope never really existed in the first place then? I dont know. It probably did I'm just being dramatic.


I can't seem to figure out why its so easy for me to give up all hope right now. I have no idea why I'm so eager to say fuck it and move on. I've exhausted my resources and it's a sort of hopeless feeling that I hate to possess. I mean here's my point: why act like I give a fuck when no one else does. If you're not gonna believe in me why the hell should I believe in you. If you're not gonna care about me then why am I wasting my time worrying about you. Reality is harsh. Honestly = Brutality. Attention has no measurement. Affection should be legitamate.

Would it ever change my mind?


Ant I'm glad you're here.


This time everything is gonna be alright
the dangerous summer.

I Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You

I hate parking tickets. Why? I got my first one in Hoboken the other night = terrible feeling. I've probably listened to i dont think i'll ever get over you seventy three times today; it's a guestamate. Taking care of every single pet in this house, cleaning, cooking, etc, makes me really hate the idea of being my mom, lol. I've got two thirties and a handle in my fridge right now and another thirty on the way. Can we say fucked up? Yeah, I really don't have a fucking clue as to what I'm doing.

I haven't had a good nights sleep in about three weeks. I wake up every morning with the strangest aches and I always wake up at 8:10. Creepiest shit of my life. I've started playing piano again, looking up sheet music through Google is fantastic. It's kind of fun to sing and play along. I've started reading a bunch of my mom's books too. I haven't found one I'm really into yet. Tomorrow I plan on spending the day alone until I have to go shoot some scene in this kids movie at CCM... ballin, really. I'm kind of losing faith in a lot of people.

For example witnessing what I witnessed tonight was kind of like a wake up call. People are crazy. I don't think I'll get past everything like that. HECTIC to say the leasttttt.


bahhhhh 3:30am wtffffff why am I awakeeee
yeah I thought I'd have something clever to say...



but I don't. night

The Perfect Scene

Summer 2008 is extremely overrated. I'm really ready for school to start, work to take over my life and do nothing else. Sounds exciting right? I've got nothing to show for this summer. I love spending my time with close friends, of course, but I just feel like something's not right with it all. I've got about seven close friends... I'm not sure if I'd classify that as a lot but the thing about that is six of them go away to school and one stays at county with me. I'm pretty confident that if I didn't have her, I'd be insane (Yeah lace, thank god for ya champ).

I'm taking 17 credits next semester which isn't too bad I guess. I'll start volunteering by mid august too I believe, hopefully this job pulls through and I've officialy said goodbye to a social life. Looking at all this transfer stuff just makes my head spin. My mom does NOT want me to leave. I just heard about a 3 hour long lecture about how much I'm going to hate living far away from home and how I should just settle for Rutgers and stay here. I feel too locked up here. It's all too familiar and I need change in my life. I'm tired of all the same stop signs and faces.

Props to Kevin for just texting me "hey there delilah"... fool you crazy? Anyway...

I finally got to see Diane today which was amazing. Being that she was my first real friend in this town, having her go to school the farthest from me is a bitch. I'm just ever so thankful that we've been able to remain close throughout all these miles. It's strange too because we're going through extremely similar situations... one in which I thought I'd forever be alone in. I'm really just unhappy with the way things are I guess... but I can't do anythign to change it. I'm losing my mind I think. I won't talk about this anymore with people I just brush over the topic. It takes me three hours to prepare for three seconds. It's ridiculous.



All in all this isn't where I want to be physically, emotionally, demographically? lol. I just need a change of scenary, change of pace, and I'm praying for a change of heart. Scenary within the next year, pace in the next month, heart probably never. I just need people to get off my back. Stop telling me what YOU want me to think because it's what YOU want. No, I can't fix your problems anymore. My rational for things is bullshit and advice I spit but can't follow. Advice is pretty much pointless at this stage. It's sink or swim and that's that. Keep your cheap shots for someone else and sweet talkin for something with a sweet tooth.

Well.. amen for shark week :)

Untitled

Officially seen The Dark Knight TWICE. Seriously I've never been so impressed in a movie before. Twice. Epic. Yes.


It's getting harder and harder as each day passes to live with this weight in my chest. I don't talk about it because I can't. It's easier to go about it when I've got my friends problems running through my head. Watching friends torn between each other, my best friend losing his mind, and just dealing with everyones bullshit is actually the perfect remedy.



Hey summer, stick around a bit longer...
I'm hoping you've got one good thing left for me.

This Love

www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-tIosqtcGs
You've become a piece of me
Makes me sick to even think
Of mornings waking up alone
Searching for you in my sheets
Don't fade away.




Yes, I'm currently obsessed with this song.
No, I have no idea why I'm still awake.
Maybe, baby?



Dear Kevin,
Thanks for putting up with me for hours on end,
hanging up on me just as it gets important,
and constantly hating my taste in music.
This is why we are such great friends.

Sincerely,
Courtney

Stay Beautiful

 I've come to accept that I don't know all the answers. I'm growing to accept that I can't always figure something out in a day. I can't figure out life in just one day. I've become speechless and awkward and for the first time I sort of understand why... that being that I don't actually have to understand yet. I think the only person I need to explain myself to right now is me, and once I do that, maybe I can fill in the important people on what I know.

Coming home tomorrow and I'm torn on that. If there's someone who I would absolutely give the world to they're here, but for someone who still needs to see the world, being me, I know I have to leave the way I came. I'll be missing what I've missed out on for four years, its like a glimpse of everything I knew I could have had and did nothing about. It's where I contemplate regret and fate because I just don't know where I'm suppose to be going just yet. Do I regret closing this door thousands of times over the past few years? Regrets only going to make this harder. But do I really have to accept that this is all it'll ever be? I can't quite accept that either.

I think if there's anything I'm learning it's that having all the answers isn't really all its cracked up to be. Sometimes having that wonder keeps that lasting fight inside of you that keeps you going and able to push through time like this. Miles apart just means you can't be seen everyday, but it sure as hell does not mean you're not thought of everyday.

I need to shower, I'm gross. :)

You're beautiful, every little piece love

And don't you know, you're really gonna be someone.

Ask anyone.

And when you find everything you've looked for

I hope your life leads you back to my door

Oh, but if it don't, stay beautiful.

You be the anchor that keeps my feet on the ground, I'll be the wings that keep your heart in the clouds

It's been a hectic past few days. Yesterday I went to the All Time Low music video shoot with Lacey which was interesting. Alex is the biggest dooshbag ever and I basically want to marry Jack :] We had a lovely time in the city for the past 2 days. It was pretty cool just walking down the streets of the city with a friend like her, good times indeed.

This next week is going to change everything. It's keeping me awake and when I finally sleep its the only thing I dream about. I want a repeat of the last time in the sense that it was the only time I've ever felt so great but at the same time I don't want to have to go through that pain again; I don't know if my heart could take it again. It definitly brings tears to my eyes as I think about it, and it scares the shit out of me. I want nothing more than this, but i'm oh so scared of it.


I stood up for myself for the first time ever today. I refuse to give my loyalty and my insecurities to someone who throws them aside for their own self absorbed needs. Since I was 15 I did anything and everything I could but everything I had was taken from me in a day. I'm surrounding myself with people who want to be here. I'm not wasting my precious time with a backstabber who's only here when the worlds biggest mistake isn't in town.

Keep your excuses for someone who wants to hear it. Spend everyday alone with those precious memories as you watch the minutes move to hours and finally into days that go by with no word from me and honestly i hope your happy with what you've done. I can't take back what you've done to me and you're right: you've let me down too many times, so why on earth would i take this lying down again? walking away from you is the best decision i've ever made, especially since you can finally see the knife you left in my back when you chose my worst nightmare to be your dream come true. I won't look back on this decision for a single second. Now, it's all about the future and theres no place for you there.



and honestly i have been begging for answers
that you and only you can give to me.

We're So Far Away

Things couldn't be more hectic. I'm stressed, overwhelmed, anxious, paranoid, excited, happy, sad, angry, lonely, content.. just so many feelings you never thought you could actually have at the same time. I feel like I'm ready to explode. I just want so much for this to be real. I want all this bad cleansed out of my system. I want everything to feel the way its suppose to. I'm keeping who I need and care about most with me. I don't think anyone else will really think they're missing out if they're not on board.

It's hit my like a ton of bricks. It's like that strike of lightening in the pitch black sky. That one second when absolutely everything is there. I know, now, that what I'm doing is right.

Like a best friend, I'll be there... that you can count on.


"Remembering, everything, about my world and when you came.
Wondering, the change you’d bring, means nothing else would be the same.
Did you know, what you were doing, did you know.
Did you know how you would move me well,
I don’t really think so"

Navigate me

So I'm incredibly obsessed with the new Cute Is What We Aim For album. It's just SO good. Navigate Me and Time are probably my two favorite songs off that album right now. Today was swell. I went out to lunch with Lacey which is always a pleasure followed by a stroll on the boardwalk with Meg and Stephe.

I've been so stressed out lately that it was really good to spend time with people like that. I'm waiting to like absolutely freak out. Anyone I talk to about this friend problem seems to say the same thing and NOT think I'm crazy. I was under the impression that best friends don't do this to eachother. I was under the assumption that friendship was some sort of bond that you don't break. I haven't talked much about it since it all happened, but I've thought about it constantly.

I could never put one of my best friends through something knowingly hurting them every step of the way. If they're hurting, so am I. I think that's whats so hard for me to understand right now. Holding the title of my best friend means you're there to help protect me or hurt with me. I'm definitely hurting and you're not. I'm really starting to think theres nothing I can do to fix this situation and I'm starting to feel like I'm tired of trying to fix it.

I'm stressed out with about 101 more things, but I just don't have the energy to continue it all.


On a positive note, Meg gets her apartment July 1st :) you know what that means!
sweet dreams.

Best Friends For Never

I've been anticipating this entry for about 9 days now, perhaps a bit longer. After just seeing Sex and the City with Meg tonight, I feel like this is what I have to say.

When you trust someone with every secret and every insecurity you possess, you're giving a piece of yourself to someone else. When you give up those pieces, you're leaving room for vulnerability to make itself at home. That's all okay though, because they're suppose to be there to protect you. I think that's what a friend is for; to be that shoulder or hand up when you're in need, someone to talk to about nothings and absolutely everything.

I have love for friends, family, and love for one, but I've learned now that any sort of love can blind you. Against my better judgement and gut feeling I gave in because I knew as a friend I had to put aside my grudges, no matter how deserved they may be, and support you AND your heart. In letting my guard down for you, I let you walk all over me not once, but twice.

If there was ever someone out there to hurt me in ways I can't put into words, one person that I would be pleased to never hear from again, that person is who you choose. You listened to me for years. You cried through it all with me. I've let those ties go and never looked back until you through it in my face. Round two? This one goes to you.

One thing about this movie that will stick with me is how important the phrase "I'm Sorry" can be. No matter how guilty someone is or how terrible something was, an "I'm Sorry" doesn't always mean something, but sometimes it means everything. Last time around this one I had to ask for an apology. I never really even got one. I let you back in as if nothing happened and I listened to everything you had to say.

I don't think I have anything left to say really... Dropout Year can probably cover the rest of it.

"don't initiate a conversation that instigates a confrontation. i've found a new best friend in hatred that says that it's too damn late to save this. you're so good at making bad decisions, but even better at burning bridges. knowing everything that i know now, i'd never put the fire out. i'd rather watch you choke on the smoke from the flames until i know that only ashes remain. words fell short as your lies grew stronger and through it all i always loved her. when you think things are getting better, remember we're best friends for never. because of this i'm so much stronger. it took a while but i moved on, so when you think things are getting better, remember we're best friends for never.when i gave an inch you'd take the mile. if i gave it, you'd take it. you claim to be the story and that's all you'll ever be - just a page in your own diary, that ain't that great to read."

Three cheers for five years

Tomorrow we're throwing a suprise birthday party for my sister so I spent the day cleaning and cleaning and cleaning. Not so much FUN. That pretty much consumed my day.


Tonight was good, though. It's funny how you don't realize how much you miss certain people in your life till you see them again. Spending time with the Hopatcong kids was incredibley overdue. We gathered at Louie's for a nice little bonfire and smores :)! Fantasticcccc.


It was especially good to talk to Alyssa in the car. We had about a ten minute car ride to Lou's but we covered some serious subject matter. She's like the devils advocat to anything. She can understand why I do something when everyone else tells me it's stupid. She does this thing, like a friend should do, where she says it like it is, but knows to respect how I may feel about a subject and tries to avoid hurting me in the process.

When someone wants to give me 'constructive criticism' I think it should be delivered with respect and not leave me upset to the point where I want to cry. It's hard enough to tell someone the truth about something, but if it's that personal, I feel like such harsh remarks can be delivered in a softer way to get the point across, but not completely demean the person. It was pretty hard to fall asleep last night.


I demand honesty, but I expect respect.

You weren't that for me

So this is my first "entry" or whatever you choose to call it into this thing. I'm not sure exaclty how I'm going to use this, but I figure it's a new outlet that I'll be needing this summer.

Today was just too hot to handle. After recovering from being compltely dehydrated, I hopped on AIM to find that everytime I opened the window for my buddy list, strange 80's music started to play loudly. It really creeped me out. I called Kevin in hopes that his genius tech-savy mind would be able to fix my problem, but he really only laughed at me. It wasn't till about a half hour ago that I realized I hit the radio button on the bottom of my buddy list which was preset to awful 1980's one hit wonders.

This weeks going to be difficult. With the return of the one person in this world that I can't face, I feel like I'm going to lose my best friend. It makes everything so difficult, especially trusting her. I don't think she fully grasps why it hurts me so much. Sure, these issues are a years old burden but I cannot help how angry it makes me feel. It's funny how I try to pretend like she'll choose her best friend over him, but I should really know better.

It should be an interesting 9 days. I feel like the only people I'm truly comfortable telling everything to are Kevin and Lacey. Kevin gives me advice whether I'm going to like it or not because I think he's more interested in whats best for me rather than just telling me what I want to hear. Lacey is just 100% there for me and just really knows how to look at a situation. She's been through enough I think to kind of say "Hey, keep your chin up and you'll see...". She's just been so supportive of what I go through and sort of helps me ease the pressure of things even if it's with a stupid joke about the situation. Both two amazing people I'm just ever so thankful for lately.


It's true- when you need someone the most,
the people that truly care will be there while others run scared.