Things couldn't be more hectic. I'm stressed, overwhelmed, anxious, paranoid, excited, happy, sad, angry, lonely, content.. just so many feelings you never thought you could actually have at the same time. I feel like I'm ready to explode. I just want so much for this to be real. I want all this bad cleansed out of my system. I want everything to feel the way its suppose to. I'm keeping who I need and care about most with me. I don't think anyone else will really think they're missing out if they're not on board.
It's hit my like a ton of bricks. It's like that strike of lightening in the pitch black sky. That one second when absolutely everything is there. I know, now, that what I'm doing is right.
Like a best friend, I'll be there... that you can count on.
"Remembering, everything, about my world and when you came.
Wondering, the change you’d bring, means nothing else would be the same.
Did you know, what you were doing, did you know.
Did you know how you would move me well,
I don’t really think so"
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Navigate me
So I'm incredibly obsessed with the new Cute Is What We Aim For album. It's just SO good. Navigate Me and Time are probably my two favorite songs off that album right now. Today was swell. I went out to lunch with Lacey which is always a pleasure followed by a stroll on the boardwalk with Meg and Stephe.
I've been so stressed out lately that it was really good to spend time with people like that. I'm waiting to like absolutely freak out. Anyone I talk to about this friend problem seems to say the same thing and NOT think I'm crazy. I was under the impression that best friends don't do this to eachother. I was under the assumption that friendship was some sort of bond that you don't break. I haven't talked much about it since it all happened, but I've thought about it constantly.
I could never put one of my best friends through something knowingly hurting them every step of the way. If they're hurting, so am I. I think that's whats so hard for me to understand right now. Holding the title of my best friend means you're there to help protect me or hurt with me. I'm definitely hurting and you're not. I'm really starting to think theres nothing I can do to fix this situation and I'm starting to feel like I'm tired of trying to fix it.
I'm stressed out with about 101 more things, but I just don't have the energy to continue it all.
On a positive note, Meg gets her apartment July 1st :) you know what that means!
sweet dreams.
I've been so stressed out lately that it was really good to spend time with people like that. I'm waiting to like absolutely freak out. Anyone I talk to about this friend problem seems to say the same thing and NOT think I'm crazy. I was under the impression that best friends don't do this to eachother. I was under the assumption that friendship was some sort of bond that you don't break. I haven't talked much about it since it all happened, but I've thought about it constantly.
I could never put one of my best friends through something knowingly hurting them every step of the way. If they're hurting, so am I. I think that's whats so hard for me to understand right now. Holding the title of my best friend means you're there to help protect me or hurt with me. I'm definitely hurting and you're not. I'm really starting to think theres nothing I can do to fix this situation and I'm starting to feel like I'm tired of trying to fix it.
I'm stressed out with about 101 more things, but I just don't have the energy to continue it all.
On a positive note, Meg gets her apartment July 1st :) you know what that means!
sweet dreams.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Best Friends For Never
I've been anticipating this entry for about 9 days now, perhaps a bit longer. After just seeing Sex and the City with Meg tonight, I feel like this is what I have to say.
When you trust someone with every secret and every insecurity you possess, you're giving a piece of yourself to someone else. When you give up those pieces, you're leaving room for vulnerability to make itself at home. That's all okay though, because they're suppose to be there to protect you. I think that's what a friend is for; to be that shoulder or hand up when you're in need, someone to talk to about nothings and absolutely everything.
I have love for friends, family, and love for one, but I've learned now that any sort of love can blind you. Against my better judgement and gut feeling I gave in because I knew as a friend I had to put aside my grudges, no matter how deserved they may be, and support you AND your heart. In letting my guard down for you, I let you walk all over me not once, but twice.
If there was ever someone out there to hurt me in ways I can't put into words, one person that I would be pleased to never hear from again, that person is who you choose. You listened to me for years. You cried through it all with me. I've let those ties go and never looked back until you through it in my face. Round two? This one goes to you.
One thing about this movie that will stick with me is how important the phrase "I'm Sorry" can be. No matter how guilty someone is or how terrible something was, an "I'm Sorry" doesn't always mean something, but sometimes it means everything. Last time around this one I had to ask for an apology. I never really even got one. I let you back in as if nothing happened and I listened to everything you had to say.
I don't think I have anything left to say really... Dropout Year can probably cover the rest of it.
When you trust someone with every secret and every insecurity you possess, you're giving a piece of yourself to someone else. When you give up those pieces, you're leaving room for vulnerability to make itself at home. That's all okay though, because they're suppose to be there to protect you. I think that's what a friend is for; to be that shoulder or hand up when you're in need, someone to talk to about nothings and absolutely everything.
I have love for friends, family, and love for one, but I've learned now that any sort of love can blind you. Against my better judgement and gut feeling I gave in because I knew as a friend I had to put aside my grudges, no matter how deserved they may be, and support you AND your heart. In letting my guard down for you, I let you walk all over me not once, but twice.
If there was ever someone out there to hurt me in ways I can't put into words, one person that I would be pleased to never hear from again, that person is who you choose. You listened to me for years. You cried through it all with me. I've let those ties go and never looked back until you through it in my face. Round two? This one goes to you.
One thing about this movie that will stick with me is how important the phrase "I'm Sorry" can be. No matter how guilty someone is or how terrible something was, an "I'm Sorry" doesn't always mean something, but sometimes it means everything. Last time around this one I had to ask for an apology. I never really even got one. I let you back in as if nothing happened and I listened to everything you had to say.
I don't think I have anything left to say really... Dropout Year can probably cover the rest of it.
"don't initiate a conversation that instigates a confrontation. i've found a new best friend in hatred that says that it's too damn late to save this. you're so good at making bad decisions, but even better at burning bridges. knowing everything that i know now, i'd never put the fire out. i'd rather watch you choke on the smoke from the flames until i know that only ashes remain. words fell short as your lies grew stronger and through it all i always loved her. when you think things are getting better, remember we're best friends for never. because of this i'm so much stronger. it took a while but i moved on, so when you think things are getting better, remember we're best friends for never.when i gave an inch you'd take the mile. if i gave it, you'd take it. you claim to be the story and that's all you'll ever be - just a page in your own diary, that ain't that great to read."
Friday, June 13, 2008
Three cheers for five years
Tomorrow we're throwing a suprise birthday party for my sister so I spent the day cleaning and cleaning and cleaning. Not so much FUN. That pretty much consumed my day.
Tonight was good, though. It's funny how you don't realize how much you miss certain people in your life till you see them again. Spending time with the Hopatcong kids was incredibley overdue. We gathered at Louie's for a nice little bonfire and smores :)! Fantasticcccc.
It was especially good to talk to Alyssa in the car. We had about a ten minute car ride to Lou's but we covered some serious subject matter. She's like the devils advocat to anything. She can understand why I do something when everyone else tells me it's stupid. She does this thing, like a friend should do, where she says it like it is, but knows to respect how I may feel about a subject and tries to avoid hurting me in the process.
When someone wants to give me 'constructive criticism' I think it should be delivered with respect and not leave me upset to the point where I want to cry. It's hard enough to tell someone the truth about something, but if it's that personal, I feel like such harsh remarks can be delivered in a softer way to get the point across, but not completely demean the person. It was pretty hard to fall asleep last night.
I demand honesty, but I expect respect.
Tonight was good, though. It's funny how you don't realize how much you miss certain people in your life till you see them again. Spending time with the Hopatcong kids was incredibley overdue. We gathered at Louie's for a nice little bonfire and smores :)! Fantasticcccc.
It was especially good to talk to Alyssa in the car. We had about a ten minute car ride to Lou's but we covered some serious subject matter. She's like the devils advocat to anything. She can understand why I do something when everyone else tells me it's stupid. She does this thing, like a friend should do, where she says it like it is, but knows to respect how I may feel about a subject and tries to avoid hurting me in the process.
When someone wants to give me 'constructive criticism' I think it should be delivered with respect and not leave me upset to the point where I want to cry. It's hard enough to tell someone the truth about something, but if it's that personal, I feel like such harsh remarks can be delivered in a softer way to get the point across, but not completely demean the person. It was pretty hard to fall asleep last night.
I demand honesty, but I expect respect.
Monday, June 9, 2008
You weren't that for me
So this is my first "entry" or whatever you choose to call it into this thing. I'm not sure exaclty how I'm going to use this, but I figure it's a new outlet that I'll be needing this summer.
Today was just too hot to handle. After recovering from being compltely dehydrated, I hopped on AIM to find that everytime I opened the window for my buddy list, strange 80's music started to play loudly. It really creeped me out. I called Kevin in hopes that his genius tech-savy mind would be able to fix my problem, but he really only laughed at me. It wasn't till about a half hour ago that I realized I hit the radio button on the bottom of my buddy list which was preset to awful 1980's one hit wonders.
This weeks going to be difficult. With the return of the one person in this world that I can't face, I feel like I'm going to lose my best friend. It makes everything so difficult, especially trusting her. I don't think she fully grasps why it hurts me so much. Sure, these issues are a years old burden but I cannot help how angry it makes me feel. It's funny how I try to pretend like she'll choose her best friend over him, but I should really know better.
It should be an interesting 9 days. I feel like the only people I'm truly comfortable telling everything to are Kevin and Lacey. Kevin gives me advice whether I'm going to like it or not because I think he's more interested in whats best for me rather than just telling me what I want to hear. Lacey is just 100% there for me and just really knows how to look at a situation. She's been through enough I think to kind of say "Hey, keep your chin up and you'll see...". She's just been so supportive of what I go through and sort of helps me ease the pressure of things even if it's with a stupid joke about the situation. Both two amazing people I'm just ever so thankful for lately.
It's true- when you need someone the most,
the people that truly care will be there while others run scared.
Today was just too hot to handle. After recovering from being compltely dehydrated, I hopped on AIM to find that everytime I opened the window for my buddy list, strange 80's music started to play loudly. It really creeped me out. I called Kevin in hopes that his genius tech-savy mind would be able to fix my problem, but he really only laughed at me. It wasn't till about a half hour ago that I realized I hit the radio button on the bottom of my buddy list which was preset to awful 1980's one hit wonders.
This weeks going to be difficult. With the return of the one person in this world that I can't face, I feel like I'm going to lose my best friend. It makes everything so difficult, especially trusting her. I don't think she fully grasps why it hurts me so much. Sure, these issues are a years old burden but I cannot help how angry it makes me feel. It's funny how I try to pretend like she'll choose her best friend over him, but I should really know better.
It should be an interesting 9 days. I feel like the only people I'm truly comfortable telling everything to are Kevin and Lacey. Kevin gives me advice whether I'm going to like it or not because I think he's more interested in whats best for me rather than just telling me what I want to hear. Lacey is just 100% there for me and just really knows how to look at a situation. She's been through enough I think to kind of say "Hey, keep your chin up and you'll see...". She's just been so supportive of what I go through and sort of helps me ease the pressure of things even if it's with a stupid joke about the situation. Both two amazing people I'm just ever so thankful for lately.
It's true- when you need someone the most,
the people that truly care will be there while others run scared.
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