Direction

Today has been a headache! Between 4am phonecalls, phones no longer in "service", and little boy no more.. ha.. I'm just speechless. First off, false sincerity makes me sick. Lost calls really don't exist because they just never happened. Late bloomers are cocky bitches.

I'll keep you in the dark with everything I've got
I'll let your imagination run with that because
it won't nearly catch up with what I've done.



Lacey works with me at VS now :]
My friends are basically the fucking shit
anddddddddddddddd yup, if we don't talk
you really don't matter to me anymore.

"I spent the whole last year looking for direction
and we always end up right where we begun."

Uh-Huh

"If I would of known what I know now
Woulda left never had a chance
We were two weeks in it'll never last
If I would of known what you were thinkin'
Woulda ran for the hills and it woulda stayed okay
Till your over it till your over it

Uh huh
We're doing it
Way to well uh huh
We're doing it
We're getting and getting it done

I give up it won't last forever (There it is I laid it down)
And if we can't be friends what can we be?
(I'm giving up it's not working out)
Maybe some day we can live (Together forever)
And if we're not friends what can we be?
I'm giving up it's not working out"

City Lights

So I can't say I've actually looked at a picture before
and had it make me cry....


That is, until tonight.

The Press War

Well, I get to work for seven hours today, eight tomorrow and eight sunday. HOLLA! I'm doing really we ll with all of my classes my grades are bangin'. I do love my job I just hate that I'm losing out on being social.

It really sucks when you can't go to people you usually go to for help. Like today... today isn't even about me and it's hurting me. It's the dad's birthday. Nope, I don't even remember how old he'll be today I just know that it's been a year, two months and thirty days since I've last spoken to or seen him. My birthday is somewhat soon! I'm planning on going out of town for my birthday to get away which should be fantastic.

I'm kinda tired of whinning on this thing lol. I feel like I'm always writing about how much I want someone back in my life and that's boring and repetitive. If they wanted to be here they would. I'm moving mountains behind you while you're looking at the same skyline asking the same bottomless questions and I'm just tired of feeling sorry all the time. Move yourself.



You've got another thing comin'

Believe Me I'm Lying

So first, I must aknowledge today. It's been 7 long years since then and I can't go a day without saying I miss my hero. RIP 9.11.01

Alright... I had an awful day, lol. Such a deb today. This week just sort of sucked, really. First of all, I've lost all faith in having close male friends. Sara totally said it best- its rare. SO TRUE. Let's start with this one kid I was mad tight with over the summer... talked every night because I was always there to back him and say "hey, you're doing great I'm really proud of you".... yeah. one way street brah. I'll leave it up to you to interpret that kids true intentions-fuckbag.

Next we've got the best friend. The one of many years. "I'm going to make this right and if you don't believe me then idk." hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. The only way you've got an "in" on my life is by reading this- LAME- when there's so much more to my life then this blog and what I have to say here. You're suppose to hold my secrets, remember? I become a priority friend when you need me and dude I really can't believe I have to wait around for my best friend. My best fucking friend.

Lastly, to the biggest headache I've got right now. I know you're checking this to see what I've got to say and I won't dissapoint:

You're a joke. You're crazy. I did nothing to you but be your friend and listen to your crazy mind and try to help sort through your thoughts. I'd call you for the stupidest of things but that was the fun of it right? The second I let my guard you're there to take over and I can't believe I thought you'd want whats best for me - to grow up. Crazy. Then you blow everything out of the water, add fuel to the fire to make everything just plain ugly. I don't feel bad for you this time. You lost your composure and me.



On a good note, laceface and I went for icecream last night and we had a blast <3 I lovez her.

How You Love Me Now

So I loved my first day of school... hated today. Well, more like last night's headache boiled over to this morning. My classes are pretty legit though I'm excited to learn :p which is always interestinggggggg. Meg called me today! I was really happy to hear one of the girls since she's really the only one I've talked to since they all left.

I'm really dissappointed in two best friends of mine. One for saying he'd come around and another for well just being around too much? That's not the right way to put it but it's like i decided to do something huge and it's like an opening to fuck shit up. I'm at fault for something I just haven't figured out for what yet. On that note...


I'm really sorry

Risky Business

Went back to school today and learned so much more than what my professor had in the text book.....

BIG NEWS

I'm moving on with my life. OFFICIALLY. It really hit me today while sitting with everyone talking about all sorts of different things. What am I doing? I think I've tried to write this off about seven times but I'm putting my foot down this time. I talk myself out of situations and people like I'm saving myself for someone who's 400 miles away and probably didn't even think of me today. Four years and four hundred miles is a waste of my time. This summer I compltely wasted it away with excuse after excuse for someone who doesn't deserve a second of my time.

It's not like I've got options or anything conceited like that it's just I've finally realized- why spend my time thinking, worrying, missing someone who refuses to be around? I had my chance three years ago and I let it go. That's on my shoulders forever and I can live with that.

And another thing that really just has me furious.... I'm like some sort of pathetic play toy. I'm used and abused as if that sort of behavior is all we're in this for and I can't do that when it means so much more to me. I'm pressured. Extremely pressured to give myself up. I feel like I should be treated with respect and shown some sort of affection if I'm gonna be sitting here waiting. I can't be a part of that scene if the feelings aren't there. Call me old fashion or call me crazy but either way it's not for me.

I'm so tired of trying to seem important. I'm beyond tired trying to be a part of someone's life. If I'm going to give someone my time and affection it's gotta be because they want it and show me some sort of ... well something. I'm hoping this is easier than I think it will be in letting go, but being that I have no more fight left in me to keep this going... I really just think it's a matter of time.

I want to move on. I want to let go. I want to start over. I want to go through those awkward adorable moments that I typically avoid by talking myself out of. I want to start.

I'm sorry that I'm leaving. I don't think you'll miss me today.

You'll miss me someday but it won't be today.
Last summer was the most amazing summer, ever.
I just can't live my life waiting around for you anymore.
You're not the same person I gave my heart to four years ago,
but I guess that's a part of me I'll never get entirely back.

You and I both know you what this was. I'm sorry for everything it wasn't but now? It's all about me this time. Just because you're headed for great things doesn't mean they aren't in store for me too. I'm going to go after them.

"Don't forget how well I know you
I'll take take- I'll take you down".