Disconnect

I've totally forgotten this thing existed till about twenty minutes ago. I was so good at updating this too! The thing is, I haven't been doing anything since that last time I posted on here so there really isn't an excuse for me. I've been working a whole hell of a lot but to be honest I actually really like my job at Victoria's Secret. I don't mind going to work. Who'da thunk? Oh and I wonder who's caught on to the title of every blog I write is a song... lol.


School starts this weeeeeeeeeeeek. blah. I'm eager to get back into school. It'll keep my mind off everything. At this point everything is just losing fuel. I've kind of given up on people and things and thats just not like me. I guess my hope never really existed in the first place then? I dont know. It probably did I'm just being dramatic.


I can't seem to figure out why its so easy for me to give up all hope right now. I have no idea why I'm so eager to say fuck it and move on. I've exhausted my resources and it's a sort of hopeless feeling that I hate to possess. I mean here's my point: why act like I give a fuck when no one else does. If you're not gonna believe in me why the hell should I believe in you. If you're not gonna care about me then why am I wasting my time worrying about you. Reality is harsh. Honestly = Brutality. Attention has no measurement. Affection should be legitamate.

Would it ever change my mind?


Ant I'm glad you're here.


This time everything is gonna be alright
the dangerous summer.

I Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You

I hate parking tickets. Why? I got my first one in Hoboken the other night = terrible feeling. I've probably listened to i dont think i'll ever get over you seventy three times today; it's a guestamate. Taking care of every single pet in this house, cleaning, cooking, etc, makes me really hate the idea of being my mom, lol. I've got two thirties and a handle in my fridge right now and another thirty on the way. Can we say fucked up? Yeah, I really don't have a fucking clue as to what I'm doing.

I haven't had a good nights sleep in about three weeks. I wake up every morning with the strangest aches and I always wake up at 8:10. Creepiest shit of my life. I've started playing piano again, looking up sheet music through Google is fantastic. It's kind of fun to sing and play along. I've started reading a bunch of my mom's books too. I haven't found one I'm really into yet. Tomorrow I plan on spending the day alone until I have to go shoot some scene in this kids movie at CCM... ballin, really. I'm kind of losing faith in a lot of people.

For example witnessing what I witnessed tonight was kind of like a wake up call. People are crazy. I don't think I'll get past everything like that. HECTIC to say the leasttttt.


bahhhhh 3:30am wtffffff why am I awakeeee
yeah I thought I'd have something clever to say...



but I don't. night

The Perfect Scene

Summer 2008 is extremely overrated. I'm really ready for school to start, work to take over my life and do nothing else. Sounds exciting right? I've got nothing to show for this summer. I love spending my time with close friends, of course, but I just feel like something's not right with it all. I've got about seven close friends... I'm not sure if I'd classify that as a lot but the thing about that is six of them go away to school and one stays at county with me. I'm pretty confident that if I didn't have her, I'd be insane (Yeah lace, thank god for ya champ).

I'm taking 17 credits next semester which isn't too bad I guess. I'll start volunteering by mid august too I believe, hopefully this job pulls through and I've officialy said goodbye to a social life. Looking at all this transfer stuff just makes my head spin. My mom does NOT want me to leave. I just heard about a 3 hour long lecture about how much I'm going to hate living far away from home and how I should just settle for Rutgers and stay here. I feel too locked up here. It's all too familiar and I need change in my life. I'm tired of all the same stop signs and faces.

Props to Kevin for just texting me "hey there delilah"... fool you crazy? Anyway...

I finally got to see Diane today which was amazing. Being that she was my first real friend in this town, having her go to school the farthest from me is a bitch. I'm just ever so thankful that we've been able to remain close throughout all these miles. It's strange too because we're going through extremely similar situations... one in which I thought I'd forever be alone in. I'm really just unhappy with the way things are I guess... but I can't do anythign to change it. I'm losing my mind I think. I won't talk about this anymore with people I just brush over the topic. It takes me three hours to prepare for three seconds. It's ridiculous.



All in all this isn't where I want to be physically, emotionally, demographically? lol. I just need a change of scenary, change of pace, and I'm praying for a change of heart. Scenary within the next year, pace in the next month, heart probably never. I just need people to get off my back. Stop telling me what YOU want me to think because it's what YOU want. No, I can't fix your problems anymore. My rational for things is bullshit and advice I spit but can't follow. Advice is pretty much pointless at this stage. It's sink or swim and that's that. Keep your cheap shots for someone else and sweet talkin for something with a sweet tooth.

Well.. amen for shark week :)

Untitled

Officially seen The Dark Knight TWICE. Seriously I've never been so impressed in a movie before. Twice. Epic. Yes.


It's getting harder and harder as each day passes to live with this weight in my chest. I don't talk about it because I can't. It's easier to go about it when I've got my friends problems running through my head. Watching friends torn between each other, my best friend losing his mind, and just dealing with everyones bullshit is actually the perfect remedy.



Hey summer, stick around a bit longer...
I'm hoping you've got one good thing left for me.

This Love

www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-tIosqtcGs
You've become a piece of me
Makes me sick to even think
Of mornings waking up alone
Searching for you in my sheets
Don't fade away.




Yes, I'm currently obsessed with this song.
No, I have no idea why I'm still awake.
Maybe, baby?



Dear Kevin,
Thanks for putting up with me for hours on end,
hanging up on me just as it gets important,
and constantly hating my taste in music.
This is why we are such great friends.

Sincerely,
Courtney

Stay Beautiful

 I've come to accept that I don't know all the answers. I'm growing to accept that I can't always figure something out in a day. I can't figure out life in just one day. I've become speechless and awkward and for the first time I sort of understand why... that being that I don't actually have to understand yet. I think the only person I need to explain myself to right now is me, and once I do that, maybe I can fill in the important people on what I know.

Coming home tomorrow and I'm torn on that. If there's someone who I would absolutely give the world to they're here, but for someone who still needs to see the world, being me, I know I have to leave the way I came. I'll be missing what I've missed out on for four years, its like a glimpse of everything I knew I could have had and did nothing about. It's where I contemplate regret and fate because I just don't know where I'm suppose to be going just yet. Do I regret closing this door thousands of times over the past few years? Regrets only going to make this harder. But do I really have to accept that this is all it'll ever be? I can't quite accept that either.

I think if there's anything I'm learning it's that having all the answers isn't really all its cracked up to be. Sometimes having that wonder keeps that lasting fight inside of you that keeps you going and able to push through time like this. Miles apart just means you can't be seen everyday, but it sure as hell does not mean you're not thought of everyday.

I need to shower, I'm gross. :)

You're beautiful, every little piece love

And don't you know, you're really gonna be someone.

Ask anyone.

And when you find everything you've looked for

I hope your life leads you back to my door

Oh, but if it don't, stay beautiful.

You be the anchor that keeps my feet on the ground, I'll be the wings that keep your heart in the clouds

It's been a hectic past few days. Yesterday I went to the All Time Low music video shoot with Lacey which was interesting. Alex is the biggest dooshbag ever and I basically want to marry Jack :] We had a lovely time in the city for the past 2 days. It was pretty cool just walking down the streets of the city with a friend like her, good times indeed.

This next week is going to change everything. It's keeping me awake and when I finally sleep its the only thing I dream about. I want a repeat of the last time in the sense that it was the only time I've ever felt so great but at the same time I don't want to have to go through that pain again; I don't know if my heart could take it again. It definitly brings tears to my eyes as I think about it, and it scares the shit out of me. I want nothing more than this, but i'm oh so scared of it.


I stood up for myself for the first time ever today. I refuse to give my loyalty and my insecurities to someone who throws them aside for their own self absorbed needs. Since I was 15 I did anything and everything I could but everything I had was taken from me in a day. I'm surrounding myself with people who want to be here. I'm not wasting my precious time with a backstabber who's only here when the worlds biggest mistake isn't in town.

Keep your excuses for someone who wants to hear it. Spend everyday alone with those precious memories as you watch the minutes move to hours and finally into days that go by with no word from me and honestly i hope your happy with what you've done. I can't take back what you've done to me and you're right: you've let me down too many times, so why on earth would i take this lying down again? walking away from you is the best decision i've ever made, especially since you can finally see the knife you left in my back when you chose my worst nightmare to be your dream come true. I won't look back on this decision for a single second. Now, it's all about the future and theres no place for you there.



and honestly i have been begging for answers
that you and only you can give to me.