I dont have a clever song title for once.

I'm just feeling so bad lately.

Dave's funeral today was brutal. Really hard to see Jenn like that.

I really wanna see the bub but he's been all over t he place for the past 4 days and I havent seen him. With Stefan's bullshit last night I'd like nothing more than to actually see my boyfriend.

Life's Short and You Were Too Young.

rest in peace, dave.

i really just can't believe you're gone.

we miss you already.

Listen up, Kevin.

... I'm calling you out.

You live in a crazy world. You're never okay. There's alway something that's going wrong but the weird thing is that it's rarely you're fault. You're an upbeat kid when you're with your friends but I know that when you're alone all you can think about is the FACT that you're alone.

I thought I was one of the few to understand what's going on in that head of yours and for a while there I think I did pretty well. You always looked for what was best for me. You never told me what I wanted to hear- just what I needed to hear.

I never got to see you as much as I wanted to. You can hold it against me as much as you want- I don't care. Whatever my reasoning was for each time we planned was never a lie. I never lied to you. Being down the street from you that night I really wish I could have spent time with you. Circumstances werent in my favor and I dont know how many times I apologized-not that any of them seemed to matter.

When you get off that high horse of yours you'll see that just because you feel like you were wronged, doesn't mean you're not wrong at all. You're all one huh? No one there to help you out more so than a pat on the back and a "It'll all be okay, soon".... Hm. You weren't even a back up in my life- you're right. You were my life line. I went to you with everything because I trusted you but hey! Life is all about the lessons you learned and I guess that's one I found out the hard way.

Keep your "oohs" and "ahhs" to yourself. Don't act suprised. I don't miss you. Your childish insecurities are holding you down from having all the things you want. I've grown since you. I've learned how to be a stronger more independent person. I keep this cute little pink book with all my rantings that use to go to you this way in a form of lyrical therapy. I'm over it Kev.

You want happiness stop letting it get away from you. It wasn't with me. You want a friend then start being one to yourself. You have no idea whats going on in that head of yours so how do you expect anyone else to? You're tired of being alone? Love yourself so someone else can. You're all closed up as open and willing as you may think you are- you're not ready. I don't have much else to say other than lifes not fair. Don't expect any favors and who know's.. You may be suprised with what comes at you.

"There was a time when I came to your side

It was 3am and you were begging me to die

Another year was all it took for you to forget the best friend
that always carried you

So are you still saying im not when I already am

And why are you still saying we wont when we already are

Ain’t it a shame to be so young and insane?

Ain’t it a shame to be so young and insane?"

I Must Be Dreaming

I've been the happiest I've ever been in, well... we'll just say a long time. Tonight I went to Carly's to just hang out and be girls and do whatever.... I thought I'd check out someones facebook on her account... (yes facebook is the end of all) and much to my suprise.. he remembers me? HA!

a dear friend says "i almost wrote on courtney's wall... just fer laughs"
......................


and if that weren't enough
when looked into what that fuck said back...........
"Maybe I should post some letter on her wall about how I've been deep undercover/in a coma for the past 4 months and now ive made it out. Yeah, start posting things on my wall about how you're happy i finally made it out of my barbiturate induced coma. We'll trick her."


ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! seriously. HOW OLD ARE WE? And how do we think my name came back into the picture??


OH hmm.. "OH WAIT i'm in new jersey... Courtney is from new jersey... how is that girl" - creep facebook- fuck she's got a boyfriend?! lets make up some good reason as to why i've been gone for 4 months. CHECK YOURSELF, asshole.






Fuck yourself.

I Will Follow You Into The Dark

I'm very happy :)

2008

I'm so happy its over.
It's been a really long year.



Overall, my friends have been fantastic even if I've done nothing but complain about the ones I lost and so on.



For 2009- No Stefan. It's gonna be great




Ringing it in tonight with bub :)
it's a good start to 2009 and i wouldn't miss it for the world

Better

Well, the new year is approaching...
And I'm the happiest I've been in a long time.

The Time I Gave Charleston My All

So within at least a week I've been able to turn the world upside down. I thought I was pretty good at keeping my cool with everything but I let my emotions get the best of me and whats worse is I could see the mess I was making and yet I did nothing to stop it. I don't think I've ever actually made a mistake like this before, but I don't even want to call it a mistake. I think thats whats worst.

It's really got me thinking today. I was so confident in what I wanted and at the first sign of a loss I gave up and lost myself. I've never got the shakes and nerves like that. Never once thought I could be so scared like that. Oh the heart is a fragile thing. I lied something awful. I can't take it back but at the same time I don't want to. I was selfish and I don't think I should apologize for going after what I want.

I should just apologize for the fact that I was reckless and jealous and pessimistic and vulnerable and just plain neglectful. I took steps blindly into something- well I don't really know what it was but it was powerful enough to knock me off my chair and reasses myself. Hey reality check. One thing I don't think I'll ever be able to understand is why was he able to make me forget, even for a moment.

Tomorrow my sister gets her make over and I'm really excited for her. She deserves to feel good about herself. I just hope now that she's ready to actually go out there and do things she'll be a little smarter because of all the mistakes I've made. She'll be getting all dolled up as I try to make sure I can make a good impression. I have to make sure my nerves don't get the best of me tomorrow at this Christmas thing with the fire department. No pressure Courtney Lynn, no pressure! BAHHHHH

I get to see my sister grow up tomorrow, my mom be paranoid tomorrow, see my best friends tomorrow, and have a fun night :) mmmmmmmmmmmmm Christmas please be kind.

Fearless

Late night drives to Princeton, laying on cartops to watch the stars, OD'ing on coffee... yeah. I could get use to this

Tell Me

I'm really happy with the way things have been turning out. School's getting a little harder being that the semester is soon ending but that's okay. Friends are fantastic. I got to see Lizzy Carly Meg and Coley :) I've missed them so much. It was cool to just hang out and talk about everything we've been up to since the last time we were all together and the funny thing about that is no matter how far apart we phsyically are, it hasn't stopped us from being closer than we've ever been.

On the subject of friends... Well certain best friends are interesting. Who'da thunk that person that fucked up my live ridiculously would actually turn into someone I call when I need advice or need to vent. And to add on to that- who'da thunk he'd call me to calm him down and put his mind at ease?! Pretty much no one but it kinda fills the space where ant use to be... WEIRD weird weird without that shit.

Works a little drama-filled but it keeps it interesting I suppose.

Concerning other matters.... I like driving around doing absolutely nothingggg with a cute boy.


Hey december :)

Save

So it's been a while since I've logged in and used this thing. I've been extremely busy between friends birthdays and school and other things... But I have to say I'm really happy with the way my life is progressing! Here's some updates :)

Kevin- You weren't replaced but I'm definitely glad you're back :) even if you're a d-bag :p
School's crackin down the end now which is really exciting. One more semester here and who knows where I'll be next time the leaves change. It's as exciting as it is nerve-racking but I'm all about doing things different now. That's a change I never thought I'd accept.

I'm happy with taking things as they come. I'm tired of worrying about things being some sort of official label or societal constrate to say hey, this is the way things are. "Go with the flow" is so much easier. Why should i worry about something that hasn't even happend yet- or even something that may not happen? Enjoy it while I've got it and be happy I had it- right?

Can't let yourself down this way- but can definitely enjoy it.




I'm in the library- i probably should do something productive

Don't Forget

I haven't written on here since my birthday! I had a fantastic birthday. Crazy times at Drew with some of the most amazing girls ever. I'm feelin the pressure of school right about now though. Registered classes for next semester... started transfer applications, etc. Really fun times. I've finally start to get things straight and then my brain goes crazy.

LIKE RIGHT NOW

I've got two missed calls and two texts left unanswered and that's not about to change. For someone who thinks he's the most honest person in the world, let me do some sharing. You're wasting your time by calling me tonight. Guess it feels pretty shitty to be the one who looks like a fool now DOESNT IT.

Besides that, thought I was gonna patch things up with a friend BUT when that promise of a phonecall fell through... I realized I'm not about to hold my breathe.

Lastely, to my former best friend... Never thought I'd have to give up on you.




BUT ON THE BRIGHTER SIDE
i love getting dressed up for school :)

It's My Birthday :)

FANTASTIC birthday weekend.... Headed to Philadelphia now


:)


20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 <3

Sticks, Stones and Techno

My birthday is next weekend and that means this week is gonna drag on forever. CANT WAITTTTT. A lot has been goin on, moving pretty fast. I'm excited for my birthday though. Drew with carly and everyone friday, new york with ron and lacey and whoever saturday night, and then philadelphia with mommy and sister sunday :) (the actual day of my birthday).

Last year my birthday pretty much sucked. Being dumped the week before wasn't exactly what I expected. Actually, now that I think of that... I'm about 30 seconds away from deleting someone's number in my phone book.. ccount it one, two DELETED. sparkyyy you're no longer in my phonebook.

My curiosity is leading me places I shouldn't go but I think I've got no other choice but to make that turn. I'm excited. You live once... I'm about to be twenty... I'm gonna handle this right :)




why am I listening to poppin champagne?


why dont you say so?
why don't you say so?

Driving

A lot has been changing, and I couldn't be happier. Lot's of school work, crazy hours at work, and the few and loyal <3 I'm content with that.

Since I constantly write about how I lose people from my life, this time is a bit different. Two of the most insanely least likely people to ever walk back into my life, are here. The two people that crushed my heart and spirit worse than anyone are back and I'm very okay with that. It's taken two years for one, and a few months for the other but when the light shines this brightly on a situation, you can't shut it out. He took virtually everything he could from me - she held my hand and put the knife in my back but I was the stubborn and selfish one.

If someone wants to be in your life, they're gonna show you. Two individuals, the two I held closest to my heart can't muster up the strength to give me some time. It's with this realization that made accepting others back into my life all the more easier because strangely enough, these two individuals shared similar slots with the others. That realization hit... just now, lol. I now get why it hurt so bad, and how it's so easy to let this go.

You can move along your own road, happy birthday and good riddance.
You can enjoy your strong four walls, fake ID's and fake people.
I'm done with you both





Birthday in 13, fun starts in 10 :) <33333
I sincerely love my friends

I'd Hate To Be You When People Find Out What This Song Is About

and we both go down together
we'd stay there forever
just try to get up

and i'm sorry
this wasn't easy
when i asked you
believe me and
never let go

but i let go

Direction

Today has been a headache! Between 4am phonecalls, phones no longer in "service", and little boy no more.. ha.. I'm just speechless. First off, false sincerity makes me sick. Lost calls really don't exist because they just never happened. Late bloomers are cocky bitches.

I'll keep you in the dark with everything I've got
I'll let your imagination run with that because
it won't nearly catch up with what I've done.



Lacey works with me at VS now :]
My friends are basically the fucking shit
anddddddddddddddd yup, if we don't talk
you really don't matter to me anymore.

"I spent the whole last year looking for direction
and we always end up right where we begun."

Uh-Huh

"If I would of known what I know now
Woulda left never had a chance
We were two weeks in it'll never last
If I would of known what you were thinkin'
Woulda ran for the hills and it woulda stayed okay
Till your over it till your over it

Uh huh
We're doing it
Way to well uh huh
We're doing it
We're getting and getting it done

I give up it won't last forever (There it is I laid it down)
And if we can't be friends what can we be?
(I'm giving up it's not working out)
Maybe some day we can live (Together forever)
And if we're not friends what can we be?
I'm giving up it's not working out"

City Lights

So I can't say I've actually looked at a picture before
and had it make me cry....


That is, until tonight.

The Press War

Well, I get to work for seven hours today, eight tomorrow and eight sunday. HOLLA! I'm doing really we ll with all of my classes my grades are bangin'. I do love my job I just hate that I'm losing out on being social.

It really sucks when you can't go to people you usually go to for help. Like today... today isn't even about me and it's hurting me. It's the dad's birthday. Nope, I don't even remember how old he'll be today I just know that it's been a year, two months and thirty days since I've last spoken to or seen him. My birthday is somewhat soon! I'm planning on going out of town for my birthday to get away which should be fantastic.

I'm kinda tired of whinning on this thing lol. I feel like I'm always writing about how much I want someone back in my life and that's boring and repetitive. If they wanted to be here they would. I'm moving mountains behind you while you're looking at the same skyline asking the same bottomless questions and I'm just tired of feeling sorry all the time. Move yourself.



You've got another thing comin'